And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
