sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
