she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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