I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
