Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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