I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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