I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
