...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
