im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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