She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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