I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
