Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
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It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
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Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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