my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
