Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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