Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
