When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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