I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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