we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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