I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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