I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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