Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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