uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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