some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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