Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I could make wine with my vomit
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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