I want to stick my p in your. b.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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