It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
