I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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