i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
