I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...