well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.