What did we do last night that was yellow?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.