i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me