I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Randomize
