i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
