There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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