allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
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Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy