her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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