I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
