Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
