3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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