this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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