I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
