Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
