I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
