she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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