I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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