Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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