I want to walk on stilts...naked
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
