You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
