Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?