Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.