I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've blown a few things in my day
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂