even my farts smell like vagina
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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