at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
