I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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