well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Someone came in the potted fern
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
