I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize