4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
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Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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