Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
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pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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