Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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